My Aditya, My Son, My Sun

Tch, tch, Lalita! This seems to have become an occasional thing!

And I don't mean 'occasional' as in once in a while, but 'occasional' as in I seem to come back to it only to commemorate an event.

And the event this time is the birth of my first-born, my son, Aditya, my sun for 20 brief years.

This is his 13th birthday since his death in 1994 and, wherever he is, he will be 34 years old tomorrow.

The Title and Label for this post may seem a trifle dramatic, but don't worry, the post is not going to be of that tone. And that's another reason why I mean to keep it short.....

A mother from The Compassionate Friends wrote,

"It was from his death that I learnt to look at Death and not be afraid, and from what I have learnt about myself, and in the light of my new philosophies, I have looked again at myself then and now.

Yes, it is true that we can never be “the same” again. If we were not to change and grow, it would be as if that death has not had meaning in our lives." ....Betty Wainer

On this the eve of his 34th birthday, I stop to ask myself if I have changed - and, if at all I have, in what way. In all outward respects, I seem to be the same. I still nag my Arup and I still react strongly (and HOW!) to things - and people! - I do not like. I still love teaching. I still speak out when I think something is wrong and / or unjust. ... The more material? I still don't like shopping or cooking and I still pamper myself with beauty creams and stuff. I've out grown my shoes and bag fetish, but that's because of age and, ahem, maturity.

So what has changed?

• I think I am actually more mature, in a real, deep way.
• I am still outspoken, but am more picky as to which issue is worth speaking out about.
• This might seem contradictory, but I am less tolerant of nonsense than ever before. I might not speak out or rave and rant about it the way I used to, but just turn away from it.
• Again paradoxically, my patience seems to have increased immensely. I might not understand why something is happening or why someone is doing what (s)he does, but I do go along with it and try to understand it.
• I am definitely more compassionate, more understanding of others' problems, especially if I see them as genuine, even if unreasonable to me.
• Also, I am more willing to help others than before, almost but not quite rivalling my darling mia-ji.
• Time is not so important to me now. Things will happen if they are to happen, when they are to happen.
• I care less than ever what people (with the sole exception of Mini and Arup) think of me or of what I do or how I look.
• I can't say I have become any more religious minded than I was before, but I do believe more than ever that there is some power that controls us and that our destiny is pre-written for us.
• I am more consiously appreciative of my Mini than ever before. I think I can say that I appreciate a mother’s love for her child more than anyone else. That does not mean that I love my children more than any other mother, but that, having experienced the full cycle of my child’s life, from the joy of his birth and life to the devastation of his death, I am more aware of that love, because of my loss. For is it not a fact that we do not appreciate anything or anybody fully until we have lost it/them?
• Indeed, I am more consciously appreciative of all our children. I see a little bit of Bozo in them all, more especially in my nieces and nephews but also in all our children of Chetla Gaach Tola - actually, in all the young people I have met and loved (thinking of you here, Craigee!). But above all, I love them most for just being there, giving us joy in their happiness and their well-being.
• I believe in the after-life. I have to, for that is the only way I can bear my loss. I will see my Bozo again.
• And no, I do not fear Death. To die is not such a terrible thing.

Randomly put, those are a few of the things I think I see. I'm sure - I know I have changed in a myriad of other tiny ways. If I were to dwell on it some more, I'm sure I'd find and be able to pinpoint many and Mini and Arup would be able to point some out too.

I have not made a conscious attempt to change and had not realized I had until I stopped to think about it just now. Furthermore, it is not for me to say if I have changed for the better or worse!

But I'll go ahead and say it - while I don't think I was a complete b**** before, I know that Bozo's going has really made me a better person. And now that I have dwelled on't, this is to be my New Year's Resolution. I shall try not to break it like I have all my other ones ......

Oops, I've said it publicly!

So Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.