Feeling a bit low

My baby hasn't been well for the last four days. She caught a chill, probably on a two-day trip we took outside of Mumbai recently with the family - in any case, it's suddenly turned cold and dreary here, and she hasn't shown any visible signs of improvement for the last couple of days. She coughs and coughs, her nose drips, and she hasn't smiled for what feels like the longest time.

All this has put me in a rather contemplative mood. I might even be a little depressed - and I realise as I type this that I haven't felt this way in months - since she was born, I think.

I suppose I should feel lucky that I didn't go through Post Partum Depression - I definitely was very jumpy, tired, defensive and annoyed at people's advice and comments - but there has been this underlying euphoria since then. That euphoria is definitely overwhelmed by a grey cloud today.

I think many things are bringing it on for me just now. First and foremost, is the fact that Peanut is not well. For the first time in 5 months. Everytime she has had her shots, the doctor warns us that fever is likely, but it never happened. She was absolutely fine. A related point here is that my maternity leave is coming to an end soon, and I can't imagine leaving her behind, - and it's heightened by the fact that she is so out of sorts just now.

Of course, and this is the second thing that is bugging me, is the fact that it has been implied that 'Nazar lag gayi'. Of course, this is the very smart but uneducated maid talking, but I've also heard this from other sources in more subtle ways. This thing about superstition, knocking on wood, not saying stuff like 'she hasn't been ill before', nazar lagna - all this is very annoying. Is it my fault for not putting some lousy kala tika on her beautiful face that she has fallen ill? Am I inviting trouble again by calling her beautiful? What is all this nonsense that we believe in? Which century is this, again? Oh, and gee, thanks for making me feel guilty in addition to feeling sad about my sick baby.

But the third thing, I suppose, is this post I read today, which is really just so sad. I know I've been thinking too much about my baby's safety and am actually what my own mother calls 'totally paranoid'. But the thing is - if it's not some students shooting another classmate in Gurgaon, or a recent road accident in which someone just lost his fiancee when a truck rammed into them on Lodhi road, or countless other incidents, then it's something just as random and senseless as this - a little toddler running around, falling and hitting his head, never to get up again.

Now, the thing is - I know most people would say that I'm just looking at the negative side of things. How you can never be prepared for everything. How you need to let go. How you need to live in the moment, and live without fear ( Jo dar gaya, woh mar gaya?). Or how it's all fate. Or God's will. Or a part of life. Or repayment for past sins. Or...I don't know, it's quite endless, isn't it?

The point of my writing this today is very simple:

How does someone make their peace with something like this?

And another related point - how does one live without paranoia of this sort, regarding something bad happening to your child?

I read a quote somewhere about how motherhood is 'when you decide to let your heart walk outside of your body'. This is the only quote I've found to be even remotely adequate as a description of what it feels like to be a mother. Most other words fail, especially when I try to articulate this feeling. So I usually resort to being flippant, lighthearted and write about the funny stuff.

But not today.

So, my dear Mashi. I was thinking that while we use this blog to remember and celebrate Bozo Dada's life - maybe you could also provide some perspective to younger mothers about these questions. How do you move on? How do you make your peace with something like this? And how do you live without being fearful and paranoid about your other child (yes I know Mini isn't a child anymore, but she's your child always, right?). That'll be another useful thing to know - how motherhood evolves as your baby grows into a toddler, and then a school going child, and then a sulky college-goer, and finally, an adult. When exactly do you stop worrying? Does it stop at all? How does this thing work? But I am getting ahead of myself and asking too many questions - it's just that they're all related in some way, aren't they?

Please write about this at your own pace. And of course, only if you want to. And by the way, I've been feeling since we started this blog that I never really knew Bozo Dada at all. I would really love to know more about him, his early days, what you remember of him as a baby - everything. As you find the time to write about him. All I know is that he was such a wonderful person - who I missed out on. It would be really great to know him through your memories and thoughts.

Happy New Year. Love you.